Sometimes you need to take a step back and reevaluate what you are doing. Even when things are sailing along smoothly, you can’t take it for granted that the course isn’t crooked and you will disembark exactly where you’d planned.

I took a breather from sharing my thoughts after the podcast series earlier in the year. It was a needed break. My thoughts were flying in too many directions and I wasn’t doing a good job of reining them in.

So the hiatus was supposed to be for two months, no more. I used the period well but by the end I didn’t feel I was ready to jump back into the foray.

I had read some incredible books. In fact not incredible, for me, life changing. I got a 360 degree spin on what I was doing and I got clarity like never before.

Things were working out in other areas of my life and getting back online wasn’t so pressing, in fact I realized that perhaps, being on Social Media was overhyped. I had previously bought into the belief that being visible, present and consistent was the only way you could be relevant.

Turns out, not every popular opinion, habit or business or personal branding advice is accurate. And worse, it may not earn you money if that is your focus long or short term.

When I started getting results offline, I got comfortable and didn’t invest as much in connecting there anymore.

But events happening recently kind of jolted me back to reality. Yes on the one hand I was relieved that I didn’t have to keep up with the be online or be forgotten MO, but on the other hand I knew I wasn’t doing something that gave me so much pleasure; sharing my thoughts with others.

When week after week I got news of some person’s passing, and week after week the news hit closer to home, I couldn’t but feel uneasy.

Two Wednesdays ago, a friend’s husband passed leaving behind the lady not even close to forty and four kids. This news broke me.

I found it at once frustrating, frightening, demobilising and just plain painful (if I was feeling all these what could my friend be going through?).

What is the point of it all? What’s the need to keep going, to keep trying if we will just peg off one day without notice? Why bother dammit?!

I was shaken.

More so because I realised that I had left off something very very important that I needed to do. Something I knew was crucial for me to do, keep sharing my thoughts, sharing my message.

I read this quote years ago from I recall not where;

“There is no cure to life and death but to enjoy the interlude.”

That evening, between flowing tears of frustration and sadness, I figured one certain thing, and that is I have no idea when I will die, where I will die, if it will be neigh or far. I have zero control, nada, in that regard. I could do nothing to avert, hasten or delay it.

However what I could do was make my days count. And realizing that I had stock piled so much that I could have shared and be sharing made me even more frightened.

What if all my musings were not for me to ‘muse’ over but to turn over to others to use as footstools?

What if whatever has held me back isn’t a viable excuse before God for not delivering my gift to the world?

What if all this while I had spent dodging bullets had just been a distraction for me from unleashing the treasures in my soul to the world?

What if my life’s challenges are not good enough reasons to return to my creator full?

What if?

What if?

What if?

Being a mother made this stream of consciousness all the more heart wrenching. As a mum I want my kids to know that no matter how tough life gets, not matter how many ‘nos’ you get, not matter the fiercest storm, no matter the naysayers, you must get up, go on and never give up.

Was I living this version of strength to them? If I died today would my children be unequivocal that I am an Amazon of a woman?

Death is certainly a reality check for anyone living in consciousness. One meal is bound to be the last, one drink, one hug, one sunset. It’s just the nature of things.

Nerve wrecking thoughts but I needed to be frank with myself.

So what do I do? Much as the option of rolling over and playing dead –pun not intended- was an easier option, the failing to deliver my purpose propelled me back online.

I love to write and I know that my writing is almost selfish because I benefit from it far more than anyone else does. And if nobody else does, it’s still a useful piece of me that I will keep learning from.

But when someone tells me they read and connected, I get bonus feelings of fulfilment. I am hoping that these bonuses keep coming because I hope and pray that even though my daily bread is sorted, here I can truly gift my gift and lift someone who needs lifting.

Your Soul Sister